House of Cards 2.13: Hail to the Cheat

Goodness gracious, we’re finally here! The end of the road! The are literally no more… CARDS left in the deck! The… HOUSE has been built, and it is PRECARIOUS, let me tell you!

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House of Cards 2.12: Asylum? I Hardly Know 'im!

Yesssssss! Perfect title!

This episode wastes no time getting right down to bid-ness. We open on Special Prosecutor Heather Dunbar and her nameless crony, as they attempt to get information on the contents of Garrett’s therapy sessions from his and Tricia’s marriage counselor slash spiritual guidance guy. The reverend-doctor, or whatever he is, says that he is not at liberty to reveal anything discussed in those meetings because Jesus, obviously. Dunbar threatens to subpoena him, but he says the only way he will ever talk is if either Garrett or Tricia waived their confidentiality privilege. Then he puts on a dumb smile, like he knows that’s never gonna happen.

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House of Cards 2.11: Three's a Fun, Sexy Crowd

Welcome to the HOC episode you’ve been waiting for! The one everyone was talking about back in February! The one you didn’t want to miss, and other promotional-type phrases that would have probably aired had this been a regular television show on television! And you know what? Chronology be damned! There’s no way the opening screenshot of this recap could ever be something besides this:

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House of Cards 2.10: A Journalist, a Bodyguard, a Hacker and His Pet

It’s all about the minor players this time! Sorry for the radio silence for almost two whole weeks, everyone! House of Commentatrix saw some busy times lately, and I figured that most of this feature’s readers wouldn’t be any more or less bummed by a fourteen-day delay in the tenth recap of the second season of February’s single most watched television show! What do you think of that string of prepositional phrases featuring numerals? I am certain of neither its grammatical correctness nor its factual accuracy! Let’s get on with it!

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House of Cards 2.09: Freddy, We Hardly Knew Ye

Hullo, everybody! We’ve entered the home stretch! It’s the fifth-to-last episode of House of Cards! That means it will only take another month for this series of recaps to end! One month left! Can you believe it? What I’m saying is I’ll be wrapping this baby up just in time for Season 3 to premiere! LOL I kid, I kid! But also… I kinda feel like for sure post-production is about to start on it soon?

Anyway, Episode 9! Get your monogrammed hankies out, ’cause it’s a sad one!

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House of Cards 2.08: What's Your Matsusaka Beef?

Oops, sorry, guys! I told you last week that this episode would be about two good guys who fall victim to the Underwood machine, but I was wrong. That’s the NEXT episode. (I really promise this time!) This week is just more wheeling and dealing, pretty much. Let’s talk about it!

Frank’s new thing right now is trying to avoid losing the House to the Republicans in the fast-approaching midterms. To do this, he needs their funding to stop, as per the events of the last episode that hopefully you all can remember because I’m not planning to recap a recap, you know?

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House of Cards 2.07: Fly Me to Beijing and End this Missouri, Already

Thus begins Episode 7. That lovely attack ad, by the way, is one for which the Republicans, er, I mean the “Friends of a Better America,” have apparently paid $25 million. Garrett is worried, as is the rest of his cabinet. He wants to know where the money is coming from. Umm… gee, where do you think, bud? I could have told you Raymond was involved in this even before Frank figured it out a couple of scenes later.

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House of Cards 2.06: Mercury Rising, Samarium Not so Much

Here we are. Episode 6. And look there’s Rachel, hey how are ya beenawhile! She has a mouthful of ice cubes and her face in the A/C unit. It is hot hot hot, you see. It’s hot everywhere. Rachel’s neck of the woods? Hot. Washington? Hot. Words simply cannot convey how hot it is on the entire East Coast right now, so here is a dramatization:

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House of Cards 2.05: Meet Xander Feng (and Ayla Sayyad)

Don’t worry, guys, it’s just a sex thing! He is completely in control of the situation. And only like, a handful of people have accidentally died this way, so it’s all good. How much longer did David Carradine have left, really? Come on now, you bunch of prudes! (Too soon?)

That safe-sex practitioner is of course Xander Feng, a new character whom we don’t yet know anything about but whose introduction nevertheless does a great job of instantly cementing him as some kind of bored billionaire. I mean, obvvy. You’d have to be, if your idea of a recreational activity is a drug-fueled threesome with two randos who will tie you up and not-quite-asphyxiate you, right? Good luck, all of this guy’s friends, because he must be impossible to shop for!

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House of Cards S02E04: With a Little Help from My Friends

READ RECAP HERE

House of Cards S02E03: This Is Not a Frankocracy, It's a Franktatorship!

READ RECAP HERE

House of Cards S02E01 Recap: H-welcome Back, Kittens!

READ RECAP HERE!